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my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
A slug is just a divorced snail.
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.