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What number SPF blocks people?
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.