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Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted