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If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.