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On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.