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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...