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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
A hard thing about business is minding your own
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
My favorite beer is an open one.
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep