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I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
TEIAM - problem solved
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
My misery likes tequila, not company.