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Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!