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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.