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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
Worry: a waste of imagination.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)