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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
I maybe wrong but I doubt it.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!