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I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
My problem is that all food is comfort food
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....