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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
Own the day
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.