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off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.