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“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.