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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
I hope to get to the point in my life where Iām not excited about finding change on the ground.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" ā Age is clearly a word.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.