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The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
My favorite beer is an open one.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
You had me at 0 mutual friends