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The black sheep always have the best stories.
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
This is a lousy dating site.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"