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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?