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It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.