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That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.