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Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.