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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.