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If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year.
Please don`t hastag out loud...
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Why can`t everyday be football Sunday?
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out