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The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.