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I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.