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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"