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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time