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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.