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when she says "size doesn`t matter" what she really means is "I have been disappointed before." :)
My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what