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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Cubic Zirconium`s slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?