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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
A man is as faithful as his options
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?