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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
Does running out of money count as exercise?