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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone