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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.