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Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?