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Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome