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They say love is more important than money. I`d like to see them go and try to pay their bills with a hug.
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.