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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
Wine: How classy people get trashed.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
Where is the "Made In China" labels made?
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar