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Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted