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If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
Condoms prevent minivans.
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.