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I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.