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I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.