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It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.