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"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person`s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now