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The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
I fake my LOLs
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers