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One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?