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I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.