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Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Use a mirror and you will find, PI.E = 3.14
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".