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You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
I do not gossip ... I pass things along ... It`s like a public service.
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."