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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
life is too short to match socks
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.