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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
You are here: X
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
My number was 0...
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.