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I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.