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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
Just because you think it`s a bad idea doesn`t mean we won`t have a good time.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
I’m bored enough to clean.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"