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I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.