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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.