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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.