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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?