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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.