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Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red