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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.