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Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.